


How Did We End Up Here?

by ridingwaves



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Graphic Display, Physical Abuse, Unhappy Ending, Unhealthy Relationships, Vague Descriptions, mentions of abuse, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 15:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19112806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ridingwaves/pseuds/ridingwaves
Summary: He was a student of psychology: he had studied this, relationships, human beings and their psyche – he had minored in it.And yet, when his relationship with Hyunmin soured and became something of a nightmare, he was taken by surprise.





	How Did We End Up Here?

**Author's Note:**

> I have been working on this for a while and I'm not completely happy with it but I don't think I'm capable of editing this any more so I decided to post it. 
> 
> Title from 5SOS's song End Up Here
> 
> Warning: Abusive relationship, physical abuse, alcoholism

Seonghwa had thought that he would notice if any of his relationships took a turn for the worst. He was a student of psychology: he had studied this, relationships, human beings and their psyche – he had minored in it. And yet, when his relationship with Hyunmin soured and became something of a nightmare, he was taken by surprise. For some reason, he had not noticed the changes, the subtle ways in which their relationship had turned into a toxic shitshow that wore him down.

 

They had met in junior year of high school. Seonghwa had been partnered with Hyunmin for a biology project. What started as friendship turned into something more as they began to go on ‘not-dates’ (as Seonghwa’s friends called them) to random places in the weekends. It was Hyunmin who had asked him out, at a carnival.

 

When they found out that they were going to the same college, they had decided to rent a place together. It had seemed like natural progression of their relationship, seeing as they had been together for two years. Life was great. Some of Seonghwa’s happiest moments were in that flat. When they did things together – DIY projects, cooking, Hyunmin playfully mocking Seonghwa’s sacred five-step cleaning ritual – everything was so very perfect.

 

The first time they had argued over something huge was when Hyunmin had asked him not to go on a trip with his friends. Seonghwa had disagreed. The argument had ended in tears and broken glasses. They had taken a break, with Hyunmin staying at a friend’s place. Seonghwa had ended up taking a rain check on the trip, too worked up and confused to properly enjoy it. He had not told his friends about the argument, deciding that it was not necessary. Hongjoong had come over with ice cream, despite Seonghwa reiterating that he was fine. They had watched crappy sci-fi movies that night.

 

They did not discuss Hyunmin’s conspicuous absence.

 

After a week of radio silence, Seonghwa had messaged Hyunmin and they met at a café to talk things out. They decided to give their relationship another try, neither willing to break up over one fight. The other man had not given his reason for asking Seonghwa not to go and he had not asked. He did not want to fight again.

 

After that incident, things went back to normal. Mostly. Both of them tried not to do things that might set the other off. He had not noticed it back then, but it was obvious now, how they had walked over eggshells for many weeks.

 

Everything was normal for two months.

 

And then the fights started. They were more frequent and were almost always petty. Seonghwa tried not to begin them, but he couldn’t stop bringing up old ones, especially if they were about his friends. He didn’t understand why Hyunmin didn’t like them and tried to ask him about it. Every time the reply was the same:

 

“It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that you spend a lot of time with them and not much time with me.”

 

Which did not make sense to Seonghwa. He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen any of his friends. Hanging out with his friends almost always started an argument. It drained him and created a strain on their relationship. Even if he did argue and go out with them, he ended up thinking about the argument and how Hyunmin might retaliate.

 

So Seonghwa decided to give in. He refused to let the relationship die because of him.

 

In hindsight, that decision was probably the point where everything went to hell. Somehow, he had managed to convince himself that it was more important to save his relationship than keep contact with his friends. He almost always gave in to Hyunmin, trying his hardest to avoid fights.  He felt a twinge of guilt when he saw missed calls from Hongjoong or Jongho or Yeosang. But he couldn’t get himself to call back, to reach out. He was scared of how things had changed, scared of how his friends may react.

 

 They stopped calling after seven months.

 

Now, at 24, he lived at an out-of-the-way flat with Hyunmin, working at a drug store, a café, and at a convenience store near their flat. The other man was unemployed. He had been a bartender but had gotten himself fired after he was caught drinking at work. A lot.  It was difficult, making ends meet, and their relationship consisted of Hyunmin’s drunken shouts, beatings, and a lot of regret.

 

But he had chosen this life and he couldn’t bring himself to leave. Hyunmin could not look after himself. He had a problem, Seonghwa knew this. He had tried to get the man to go to AA sessions but that never ended well. He would go the first few times and later, get piss drunk and take out his frustrations on Seonghwa.  He figured that it was better to simply do what he can to keep the flat and eat twice a day.

 

(He had been selected by prestigious companies for placement but Hyunmin had convinced him not to go. How that happened, Seonghwa wasn’t sure. He did not know why he had agreed to move away to some suspicious and dangerous part of the city with a man who had already taken his friends away from him. It was probably because he was too scared to face them again, to let them see the mess he had become)

 

“Is that you?” Shouted Hyunmin from inside the flat, as Seonghwa unlocked the door and stepped in. He sighed as he put away his shoes, tired from the day’s work.

 

“Yes.” He replied, shaking his head, hoping that would chase the tiredness away. He had noticed three pairs of shoes and figured that Hyunmin’s latest set of drinking buddies were also in. He didn’t think they had enough snacks to feed the guests. He wondered if he should go to the grocery store and get something, but remembered that they were short of money that week.

 

Hyunmin came out to meet him near the door, just as Seonghwa finished arranging the shoes, and grabbed him by his wrist, pulling him up.

 

“Did you invite them?” Hyunmin whisper-shouted. Seonghwa figured that he was at least tipsy.

 

“Who?” Asked Seonghwa, wincing as the pressure increased on his wrist, “I did not invite anyone.”

 

Hyunmin stared at him, as if to detect a lie but grunted as he let go of his hands, deciding to trust him.

 

“Make them leave, go.” He commanded as he pushed past Seonghwa and left the flat.

 

He went in, wondering if it was the people from AA. They had come by twice, trying to convince Hyunmin and the man had not been happy about it. He had blamed Seonghwa, accusing him of trying to lock him up in a rehabilitation centre so that he could leave him. While that thought _had_ crossed his mind, he had _not_ been the one to call the AA people. They had come to their place of their own violation.

 

“Seonghwa?” A familiar voice called out. He snapped his head up and came to an abrupt stop as he saw who was in the flat.

 

Hongjoong, Yeosang, and Jongho had somehow found him.

 

“What are you guys doing here?” He demanded, mind racing as he tried to think of how he could get them to leave soon. Hyunmin probably won’t be back till early in the morning, but he couldn’t risk anything.

 

“What happened to you, hyung?” Asked Yeosang, frowning as he took in his appearance.

 

Seonghwa could guess what they might be seeing. Juggling three jobs and taking care of an alcoholic was not easy. He had become thin and his face was perpetually pale and drawn. He also knew that they could probably see the black eye from his recent fight with Hyunmin.

 

He took a moment to take in their appearance. At first glance all three of them looked good. A closer inspection revealed dark circles and lines, probably caused by stress. But they didn’t look too beaten up and that was enough.  He had always been a worrier, a pseudo-mother, and seeing them look healthy made him feel happy.

 

“Hyung?” Came Jongho’s voice. Seonghwa snapped out of the daze he had been in and found them standing near him, hesitance obvious in their expression.

 

“Yeah.” He replied, “I’m here. I’m alright.” He smiled at the youngest, taking in the fact that he had not grown much taller and was still the perfect size for him to hug.

 

As if sharing similar thoughts, Jongho moved forward and hugged him. Seonghwa stiffened initially, but reciprocated the hug. He felt something move back to its place in his heart, relief hitting him strongly. He looked up and found the other two staring, smiles on both their faces. He smiled back and brought out a hand, silently asking them to join. The group hug lasted for a whole minute. Seonghwa tried his hardest not to cry but the others had no qualms in showing their emotions. They talked over each other and he was pretty sure that Jongho was crying.

 

“I know it’s been a long time,” Began Seonghwa, interrupting them and pulling away as he remembered what he was supposed to do, “but you guys need to leave.”

 

“What, why?” Asked Jongho, pulling back and glaring at him, “We only just found you. After three years. Why would you say that?” Yup, he was definitely crying. Seonghwa had always doted on the youngest. This was going to be difficult.

 

“Because you should not have come here.” Seonghwa didn’t think that sugar-coating things would help. “If you stay here any longer, things are not going to look good for any of us.”

 

“That’s exactly why we should stay.” Stated Hongjoong, frowning at him, moving closer. “Look at you,” He said, touching the bruise near his left eye, “you don’t have to live here, not with that monster. I’m willing to bet that there’s more of this under that coat.”

 

He shook his head, not understanding them at once. He couldn’t just leave. That would cause problems. Hyunmin would probably try to do something stupid and get himself killed. Children lived in the flat. If Hyunmin decided to do something to them or someone else, like he had tried the last three times, he would not be able to stop him. The place was a shithole and his life _was_ hell, but it was _his_ and couldn’t abandon it that easily. He knew he couldn’t, he had tried. And failed miserably.

 

(Last time, Hyunmin had somehow tracked him down and had forced him to return. On his way upstairs, he found one of the boys, Sungwon, the youngest, sporting a black eye, running away from them. The time before that, he had pushed and damaged a sweet-seller grandma’s cart)

 

“Hyung, listen to us.” Yeosang was talking, “You deserve so much better, can’t you see?”

 

Seonghwa looked at his old friends. Truly, he couldn’t see that he apparently deserved better. ‘Deserved’ was a subjective term and he did not think it applied to him. This was a life that he chose. His relationship was something he failed to walk away from, even when he finally realised how unhealthy it was. This life had a hold on him. It was as if claws had been sunk into him and the claws had not loosened one bit. Even if it was possible that he, at some point, would accept that he could do better, it did not change the fact that at that moment, he did not believe it. He did not believe that he should leave, that he should start over.

 

A routine had set in. This was a life he knew, a life that, in an odd, twisted way, made sense to him and brought him comfort. It was not an ideal life. On the contrary, it was hellish and demanding, toxic and unhealthy. But he was not at a place where he could acknowledge it and move away. He needed the comfort of routine, no matter how horrid.

 

But he forced himself to think of a new life. A fresh start, away from the shithole he lived in. A life without his abuser. A life where he made his own decisions, where he had choices. A life that was his, where he did not have to be scared every time someone opened a door, every time someone opened a bottle.

 

It was frightening. He couldn’t imagine it. He had been with Hyunmin for eight years now, four of which he spent being isolated, three of which he spent being used as a rag doll, beaten and thrown around. He could leave. He would not be thrown around any longer. It would be a new life. He could even get a real job, something he liked doing. His friends would probably help him and he would be an overbearing mother hen again. He could –

 

“What the fuck?” Hyunmin’s voice boomed from the front door.

 

Seonghwa jumped a little, taken by surprise since he had not heard the front door open. He felt chills crawl up his spine as he realised that Hyunmin was back. Really soon. He had asked him to get his friends to leave and he had not done it. They were still in the flat, now looking at him with alarm and worry as he moved away from them.

 

“I thought I asked you to send them away, honey.” Hyunmin’s voice was eerily calm and right behind him. Seonghwa turned around to face him, trying to think of an excuse.

 

“I, um, they were just about to leave.” He stuttered, as he turned back to look at them, hoping that the desperation in his eyes would be enough to get them to leave. “You were leaving, right?” He hated the pleading tone that left him.

 

“Well?” Asked Hyunmin, as he raised an eyebrow at the three men. He was sober, Seonghwa realised, startled. He couldn’t remember the last time the man had been sober.

 

“Seonghwa.” Hongjoong addressed him, even as he stared down Hyunmin. “What do you think about our proposal?” He was clearly trying to control his emotions but he couldn’t keep away the anger from his voice.

 

“What proposal?” Asked Hyunmin, furrowing his eyebrows. He stood near Seonghwa and placed his hands on his waist, a possessive gesture.

 

“Nothing!” He squeaked out, “You need to leave.” He stared at them pleadingly, hoping one of them would push the other two into action, that they would leave.

 

“Alright.” Jongho broke the tense silence. He glanced at the other two and tilted his head towards the door. They began to leave, clearly reluctant but understanding that staying would not help. He made a move to follow them but was stopped by Hyunmin, who held him back and went forward instead. Seonghwa stood in the middle of the flat, fidgeting as he waited for the door to close.

 

That night was the worst. He was used to Hyunmin’s drunken assault. While drunk, the man was sloppy at best, though it still hurt, especially when he used bottles. But he was sober this time. He knew what he was doing. This had _never_ happened. The physical abuse had started _after_ he had become an alcoholic. The old Hyunmin had never raised a finger against him. It was part of the reason why Seonghwa had still held on to the hope that things just might turn out to be ok at some point. When Hyunmin finally became sober for good.

 

But that night, any illusions that he might have had of having a healthy relationship with the man was destroyed.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! let me know what you think of this and how I could have done better.


End file.
